Nicole Smeltzer

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Author: Nicole Smeltzer

Attention, Please

Ginger cat screams for attention

Cat scream louder: Your ATTENTION please!

Family looks at cat.

Cat flops over and purrs.

February 9, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: cat, diary comic, illustration Leave a comment

Petite

Nurse, measuring: Okay, looks like you're 5'2.5"...

Me: Can you write down 5'3"?

Nurse: ...

Nurse: ...

Nurse: No.

February 8, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: autobiographical comic, collage, comic, cut paper, diary comic, illustration, petite, short girl problems, tiny art, upcycled art, webcomic Leave a comment

Livin’ the Dream

I was having trouble concentrating during the meeting

Because out the window, just over my boss's shoulder, there was a crow circling

And when it landed, I would see that it was carrying a whole sandwich.

Me, thinking: livin' the dream...

February 5, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: collage, comic, crow, diary comic, humor, illustration, lucky, paper art, sequential art, tiny comic, work Leave a comment

Afoot

Me, coming home from work: HONEY! I'm hooooooooooome!

Mike: Welcome home! Just a heads up, the neighbor girl is afoot.

Neighbor girl, yelling: A FOOT?? A FOOT?!! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!

SLAM!

Daughter: DADDY!!

Mike looks alarmed/surprised.

February 3, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: afoot, autobio comic, collage, comic, diary comic, humor, paper art Leave a comment

Hourly Comic Day 2020

6-7AM: Cuddled with the cat

7-8AM: Hinted to Mike that he should make breakfast burritos.

Mike: Good morning! Sleep well?

Me, attacking: Yaaaaaaaaaas, you're awake I'm so hungry!!

9-10AM: Made and posted a comic about Groundhog Day.

10-11AM: Went appliance shopping.

Family: Your cheapest dryer, please!

Salesman: ok

12-1PM: Pizza lunch!

1-2PM: Took a walk and saw a group of starlings form a perfect ring in the graveyard.

Me: uhhhh...

2-4PM: Started googling and fell into a rabbit hole.

Search engine: bird omens

4-5PM: Noticed a bird staring in at me from the window.

5-6PM: Followed the bird to a mysterious portal

6-7PM: Debated entering for so long that the bird got bored and flew away. The portal closed.

Bird: Byeeeeeeeeeee

7-8PM: Ate dinner with Mike and our daughter and the larger-than-life worm sculpture she made today and named Sally.

8-9PM: Same bedtime routine, new stalling method.

Daughter: WAIT!! Sally needs her pajamas on, too!

9-11PM: Watching the Good Place with Mike.

Me: I love Janet!!

11PM-midnight: Pillow mist to help prevent nightmares.

Me: I can't believe this is working!

February 2, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: hourly comic day Leave a comment

Groundhog Day

Father and daughter walking together. Daughter: "Daddy, what is Groundhog Day?"

"It's the day when the groundhog comes out of his burrow. If he sees his shadow, then there will be 6 more weeks of winter."

Daughter: Oh, I see.

And what is a "week"?

Flashback to when she was 3 years old.

February 1, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: collage, comic, cut paper, famiky, groundhog day, illustration, tiny comic, upcycled art Leave a comment

Dedicated to the One I Love

We found an old Lennon Sister album on vinyl for $2 at the secondhand store. We took it home and put it on.

And we danced

while our daughter struggled to suppress her gag reflex.

Daughter: UGH, you guys are SO GROSS.

Mike: You know you could go to any other room in the house, right?

Me: Any other room.

January 29, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: auto bio comic, collage, comic, dancing, diary comic, family, illustration, kids, sequential art Leave a comment

Taste of Victory

I left the fridge door open while I prepared my cup of coffee this morning.

Seizing the opportunity, the cat raced over and bit into the first thing he saw, which was a head of cabbage.

He didn't care for the cabbage, but he did seem to relish the experience as a whole.

Cat: I have tasted of the box of plenty! *purr* *purr*

January 28, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: cat, comic, funny, humor, illustration, paper art, sequential art, webcomic Leave a comment

Make It Snow

She flushed ice cube after ice cube down the toilet yesterday.

because she read on the internet that that would make it snow. Kid: That should do it!

January 27, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: comic, cut paper, diary comic, ice cubes, illustration, sequential art, snow day 1 Comment

Just Feelings

Illustration if father and daughter arguing. Father: Inanimate objects do not have feelings! Daughter: EVERYTHING has feelings!

Father: ...what about the toilet? Daughter: The toilet has Very Big feelings!

Toilet: My feelings are both intense and valid.

January 22, 2020January 22, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: comic, family, humor, illustration, webcomics 1 Comment

Stay Hydrated, Bookworms

Illustration of woman ryingover book.

Woman dry sobs

Woman chugs a sports drink

Woman resumes crying over book.

January 21, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: am reading, bookworm, comic, diary comic, humor, reader, shelflife, tiny art Leave a comment

Lucid Dreaming

Whoa! I'm floating!

Usually this only happens to me in dreams...

...but now it's happening to me in really life! FINALLY! (The woman's hair has turned green. She is holding a floating rabbit on a string. Her daughter has turned into a houseplant and is asking to go to the park.)

Image of search bar with the words: lucid dreaming too dumb??

January 20, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: collage, comic, diary comic, dreaming, humor, illustrations, lucid dreaming, paper art, tiny comic Leave a comment

Symptoms

I have the hiccups!

My tooth! Is wiggly!

Gasp! My temperature is a degree lower than it was yesterday! (97.9 degrees)

Oh gawd is this a head cold?

January 17, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: comic, head cold, humor, kids, sequential art, sick day, webcomic Leave a comment

Lil’ Bob Dylan

Toddler singing in the backseat: These mushrooms are glorious and special. We should take them from outside. Maybe we should go to Boston and find a rainbow? Hey, maybe these mushrooms that we've never seen before. Hey, we can do it and this is the end?

Every toddler singing tunelessly to themselves in the backseat sounds just like Bob Dylan.

Or Bob Dylan sounds just like them.

January 16, 2020March 9, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: bob dylan, collage, comic, humor, illustration, paper art, parenting, sequential art, singing, toddlers Leave a comment

Party like you’re 1999

Ugh. When this is all over, I'm going to treat myself to a nice, hot cup of peppermint tea.

Illustration of a lady dancing wildly with her cup of tea saying LIVE IT UP!

January 15, 2020March 9, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: as a treat, autobiocomic, comic, cut paper, diary comic, illustration, little a tea, paper artist Leave a comment

The Plunger

Child: MOMMY! Quick, I need the plunger!

Mom: What??

Child: Don't worry, I just need it to stabilize my fort!

Mom: WHAT??

January 14, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: autobiographical comic, collage, cut paper, diary comic, family, humor, illustration, tiny comic, webcomic Leave a comment

Elememetary

So, what meme did you learn at school today?

I asked my daughter this question one day as a joke and got an earnest answer in reply. Now I ask it every evening at dinnertime.

January 13, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: comic, cut paper, family, funny, illustration, meme, webcomic Leave a comment

Power Games

Illustration of a cat approaching a woman. Woman: Hi, Norman-cat!! Can I pet you??

The cat walks past her.

The cat lays down some distance away. The cat: Yes.

The woman reaches out her hand, too far away to pet the cat.

My cat and I have been engaged in a 36 minute handshake, each unwilling to be the first to break. The prolonged eye contact is making my eyes water, but I’m not crying.

I’m not crying.

January 9, 2020January 10, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: autobiocomic, cat, collage, cut paper, diary comic, illustrator, tiny art, webcomic Leave a comment

Mother knows nothing

Girl: Why aren't you singing? You're just moving your lips.

Mother: I'm lip-syncing

Girl: Mommy, it's called lip-SINGING, not sinking!

Mother: S_Y_N_C, like when two things happen at the same time.

Girl: Sigh... that's called jinxing.

Mother: Ah, when will I learn

😦 I was just trying to lip-jinx Shania Twain in peace

January 8, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: collage, comic, family, humor, illustration, lipsynch, singing, webcomic 1 Comment

Nobody Nose

Illustration of a little girl asking, "Whose nose do I have, yours or my daddy's?

Mother: Hmm, too early to tell. It's starting to look like mine--

Girl: oh, no!

Mother: --but it could still turn out like your father's?

Girl: oh, NO!

Father peeks into an empty frame, looking self-conscious.

January 7, 2020January 7, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: autobiocomic, collage, diary comic, family, humor, illustration, parenting, webcomic, womenwhodraw Leave a comment

Winter Routine

My Winter Routine:

Step 1: Stand close to the gas heater until my clothes get so scorching hot they start to burn my flesh.

Step 2: Move one baby step away from the heater and stare at it for 30 seconds.

Step 3: Close the gap.

And repeat.

Illustration of a woman saying ouch!

January 6, 2020January 5, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: autobiocomic, cold, collage, cut paper, diary comic, eco art, endless cycle, january comic, paper art, sequential art, tiny art, upcycled art, webcomic, winter, women illustrators Leave a comment

Good night

Every bedtime since she could talk, my daughter has said these three things:

"Dood night! I wuv you! I wish I would stop going to bed!"

It's been seven years of "Good night! I love you! I wish I would stop going to bed!"

It always made me laugh. But last night I realized she didn't say it. And that she hadn't said it in a while.

Good night. I love you. I would I would stop hurtling forward through time.

January 5, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: autobiocomic, bedtime, comic, diary comic, growing pains, humor, parenting, webcomic Leave a comment

Mouse in the House

There is a mouse in the house.

I have tried everything to keep it out. But I keeps coming back in.

It makes me so angry, I just want to murder it.

Woman worker at hardware store: We actually have a really large selection of poisons in aisle 7. Me: omg, no! I don't want to MURDER murder it!

Hyperbole can be so dangerous!

(Please don’t give me mouse solutions. I already have a mouse solution. I’m planning on stuffing a cat in every crevice. Thank you.)

January 4, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: cut paper, diary comic, humor, illustration, mouse, sequential art, webcomic, women who draw Leave a comment

Happy New Ear!

Woman to little girl: Happy new year! Little girl: Happy new ear!

Woman looks puzzled. Little girl: I hope I get little pointy dog ears!

Illustration of delighted girl with pointy dog ears.

I hope you get earything you desire this year.

January 1, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: autobiocomic, autobiographical comic, cut paper, happy new year, humor, illustration, new year, sequential art, tiny art, webcomic Leave a comment

vegetarian midlife crisis what

Is this related to the freezer fish thing?

For as long as I've know Mike, he's been a vegetarian.

But lately he's been saying things like "I think I want to go hunting."

and "If I killed a goose, would you eat it?"

Search bar with the words: pod person how to know

Search bar with the words: vegetarian midlife crisis what

Search bar with the word: what??!

Goose leaning into image frame saying "whut."

December 28, 2019December 28, 2019 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: comic, cut paper, goose, humor, hunting, illustration, sequential art, vegetarian, webcomic Leave a comment

Can’t Write

I have loads of free time at the moment. I wish I could write. But I can't. (Illustration of a tiny woman skipping on text on lined paper.)

I'm just a cookie now. (Illustration of a woman who has turned into a giant chocolate chip cookie.)

December 27, 2019March 9, 2020 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: amwriting, comic, cookie, holiday baking, holidays, humor, illustration, sequential art, vacation, webcomic, writing Leave a comment

Me as a Vampire

me as a vampire

"ooo um actually, do you have any carbonated blood?"

December 23, 2019 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: humor, seltzer, sequential art, vampire, webcomic Leave a comment

The Mousetrap

We got a humane mouse trap. And it worked! It caught the mouse. (Illustration of a rattling mouse trap.)

But now the cat thinks the trap is a magic box that makes mice. (Illustration of a magician mouse exiting the trap.)

And he won't stop staring at it. (Illustration of big staring cat eyes.)

Thus ensuring it will never, ever work again. (Gif of a cat paw slowing pawing at the open trap.)

December 22, 2019December 22, 2019 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: cat, comic, funny, humor, mouse, mousetrap, sequential art, webcomic Leave a comment

She taped a long string to her bedroom ceiling. Then she used a paperclip to attach a card for her teacher to the string. And at the bottom of the string she taped a note. And it all hung just above her nose so she would see it when she woke up.

December 20, 2019 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: cut paper, humor, illustration, paperart, sequential art, webcomic 1 Comment

The Sharpie

I needed to mail a Christmas package off to my parents, but my black Sharpie had run out of ink. (Illustration: Sharpie frowning and saying "I'm sorry.")

I looked in my art studio to see what else I could use to write out their address. (Illustration: Bamboo reed pen and bottle of ink.)

I wrote out the address the best I could, but Mike said it looked deranged and would probably get flagged byt he post office. (Illustration of the package, looking decidedly deranged.) I mailed it anyway.

Well, I just looked in Mike's desk drawer and guess what I found?? (Illustration of a happy Sharpie saying "I'm full of ink!) IT WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME!

Deranged-looking hand lettering in ink that says: The Whole Time

December 19, 2019 by Nicole Smeltzer Tags: christmas, hand lettering, humor, illustration, mailing, sharpie, webcomic 3 Comments

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