Nicole Smeltzer

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The Middlest Sister

Author: Nicole Smeltzer

Dedicated to the One I Love

January 29, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

We found an old Lennon Sister album on vinyl for $2 at the secondhand store. We took it home and put it on.

while our daughter struggled to suppress her gag reflex.

Daughter: UGH, you guys are SO GROSS.

Mike: You know you could go to any other room in the house, right?

Me: Any other room.

Taste of Victory

January 28, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I left the fridge door open while I prepared my cup of coffee this morning.

Seizing the opportunity, the cat raced over and bit into the first thing he saw, which was a head of cabbage.

He didn't care for the cabbage, but he did seem to relish the experience as a whole.

Cat: I have tasted of the box of plenty! *purr* *purr*

Make It Snow

January 27, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

She flushed ice cube after ice cube down the toilet yesterday.

because she read on the internet that that would make it snow. Kid: That should do it!

Just Feelings

January 22, 2020January 22, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration if father and daughter arguing. Father: Inanimate objects do not have feelings! Daughter: EVERYTHING has feelings!

Father: ...what about the toilet? Daughter: The toilet has Very Big feelings!

Toilet: My feelings are both intense and valid.

Stay Hydrated, Bookworms

January 21, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Lucid Dreaming

January 20, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Usually this only happens to me in dreams...

...but now it's happening to me in really life! FINALLY! (The woman's hair has turned green. She is holding a floating rabbit on a string. Her daughter has turned into a houseplant and is asking to go to the park.)

Image of search bar with the words: lucid dreaming too dumb??

Symptoms

January 17, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Gasp! My temperature is a degree lower than it was yesterday! (97.9 degrees)

Lil’ Bob Dylan

January 16, 2020March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Toddler singing in the backseat: These mushrooms are glorious and special. We should take them from outside. Maybe we should go to Boston and find a rainbow? Hey, maybe these mushrooms that we've never seen before. Hey, we can do it and this is the end?

Every toddler singing tunelessly to themselves in the backseat sounds just like Bob Dylan.

Or Bob Dylan sounds just like them.

Party like you’re 1999

January 15, 2020March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Ugh. When this is all over, I'm going to treat myself to a nice, hot cup of peppermint tea.

Illustration of a lady dancing wildly with her cup of tea saying LIVE IT UP!

The Plunger

January 14, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Child: Don't worry, I just need it to stabilize my fort!

Elememetary

January 13, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

So, what meme did you learn at school today?

I asked my daughter this question one day as a joke and got an earnest answer in reply. Now I ask it every evening at dinnertime.

Power Games

January 9, 2020January 10, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration of a cat approaching a woman. Woman: Hi, Norman-cat!! Can I pet you??

The cat lays down some distance away. The cat: Yes.

The woman reaches out her hand, too far away to pet the cat.

My cat and I have been engaged in a 36 minute handshake, each unwilling to be the first to break. The prolonged eye contact is making my eyes water, but I’m not crying.

I’m not crying.

Mother knows nothing

January 8, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Girl: Why aren't you singing? You're just moving your lips.

Mother: I'm lip-syncing

Girl: Mommy, it's called lip-SINGING, not sinking!

Mother: S_Y_N_C, like when two things happen at the same time.

Girl: Sigh... that's called jinxing.

Mother: Ah, when will I learn

😦 I was just trying to lip-jinx Shania Twain in peace

Nobody Nose

January 7, 2020January 7, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration of a little girl asking, "Whose nose do I have, yours or my daddy's?

Mother: Hmm, too early to tell. It's starting to look like mine--

Girl: oh, no!

Mother: --but it could still turn out like your father's?

Girl: oh, NO!

Father peeks into an empty frame, looking self-conscious.

Winter Routine

January 6, 2020January 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Step 1: Stand close to the gas heater until my clothes get so scorching hot they start to burn my flesh.

Step 2: Move one baby step away from the heater and stare at it for 30 seconds.

And repeat.

Illustration of a woman saying ouch!

Good night

January 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Every bedtime since she could talk, my daughter has said these three things:

"Dood night! I wuv you! I wish I would stop going to bed!"

It's been seven years of "Good night! I love you! I wish I would stop going to bed!"

It always made me laugh. But last night I realized she didn't say it. And that she hadn't said it in a while.

Good night. I love you. I would I would stop hurtling forward through time.

Mouse in the House

January 4, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I have tried everything to keep it out. But I keeps coming back in.

It makes me so angry, I just want to murder it.

Woman worker at hardware store: We actually have a really large selection of poisons in aisle 7. Me: omg, no! I don't want to MURDER murder it!

Hyperbole can be so dangerous!

(Please don’t give me mouse solutions. I already have a mouse solution. I’m planning on stuffing a cat in every crevice. Thank you.)

Happy New Ear!

January 1, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Woman looks puzzled. Little girl: I hope I get little pointy dog ears!

Illustration of delighted girl with pointy dog ears.

I hope you get earything you desire this year.

vegetarian midlife crisis what

December 28, 2019December 28, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

Is this related to the freezer fish thing?

For as long as I've know Mike, he's been a vegetarian.

But lately he's been saying things like "I think I want to go hunting."

and "If I killed a goose, would you eat it?"

Search bar with the words: pod person how to know

Search bar with the words: vegetarian midlife crisis what

Goose leaning into image frame saying "whut."

Can’t Write

December 27, 2019March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I have loads of free time at the moment. I wish I could write. But I can't. (Illustration of a tiny woman skipping on text on lined paper.)

I'm just a cookie now. (Illustration of a woman who has turned into a giant chocolate chip cookie.)

Me as a Vampire

December 23, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

"ooo um actually, do you have any carbonated blood?"

The Mousetrap

December 22, 2019December 22, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

We got a humane mouse trap. And it worked! It caught the mouse. (Illustration of a rattling mouse trap.)

But now the cat thinks the trap is a magic box that makes mice. (Illustration of a magician mouse exiting the trap.)

And he won't stop staring at it. (Illustration of big staring cat eyes.)

Thus ensuring it will never, ever work again. (Gif of a cat paw slowing pawing at the open trap.)

The Note to Self

Image | December 20, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

She taped a long string to her bedroom ceiling. Then she used a paperclip to attach a card for her teacher to the string. And at the bottom of the string she taped a note. And it all hung just above her nose so she would see it when she woke up.

The Sharpie

December 19, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

I needed to mail a Christmas package off to my parents, but my black Sharpie had run out of ink. (Illustration: Sharpie frowning and saying "I'm sorry.")

I looked in my art studio to see what else I could use to write out their address. (Illustration: Bamboo reed pen and bottle of ink.)

I wrote out the address the best I could, but Mike said it looked deranged and would probably get flagged byt he post office. (Illustration of the package, looking decidedly deranged.) I mailed it anyway.

Well, I just looked in Mike's desk drawer and guess what I found?? (Illustration of a happy Sharpie saying "I'm full of ink!) IT WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME!

Deranged-looking hand lettering in ink that says: The Whole Time

Fish Story

December 19, 2019December 19, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

Mike bought a fish from the pet store and they said to bring it in if it dies and they will replace it. Well, it did die, but Mike didn't have time to go to the store, so he stuck it in the freezer in a baggie. (Illustration: Fish in a baggie labeled Do Not Eat)

That was months ago and now there are two more... (Illustration: Three baggies of labeled, dead fish)

Illustration of a cell phone open to a search bar with the words: fish serial killer how to know

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