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Nicole Smeltzer

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Agatha Christie Novels

August 27, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

The ending to 85% of Agatha Christie novels:

Man, randomly: Say, why don't you and I get married?

Woman: Well, I suppose I have nothing better going on...

Man: WHAT A GAL!

Poirot: Ah, les femmes!

Dentist Visit

August 12, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Me at the dentist: Illustration of me in the dentist chair with the dentist poking some sharp tool in my mouth.

My tongue at the dentist: Illustration of my tongue poking around the corner saying "Heyyyyy! What is UP!"

Re-reading Emily of New Moon

April 25, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Emily stands next to a cat. Ilse: You blithering centipede.

Emily bends to pet the cat. Ilse: You're a skunk and a bloodthirsty mink!

Emily walks away cuddling the cat. Ilse: YOU PROUD, STUCK-UP, CONCEITED BIPED!!

I’m keeping a catalogue of Ilse’s best insults.

COVID-19 Isolation: Day 28

April 13, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Me, holding a large stick.

Daughter: NO, you can't use THAT stick to build the trellis! That's Jimmy!!

I stare blankly at her.

Daughter: JIMMY THE STICK!

COVID-19 Isolation: Day 24

Image | April 8, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Child: I MADE CANDY GLUE!!!

Me: I don't want to know what that means.

COVID-19 Isolation: Every Day So Far

April 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Cat: You're home! It's dinner time!

me: No, Bubba. It's 8AM.

Cat: You're home! It's dinner time!

me: No, Bubba. It's 90:30 AM.

Cat: You're home! It's dinner time!

Me: No, Bubba. Not yet.

Cat: YOU'RE HOME! IT'S DINNER TIME!

Me: No, Bubba.

Cat: You're home! It's DINNER TIME!

Me: It's just 3:30, Bubs!

Cat: YOU'RE HOME

Me, running away

Rewatching Pride & Prejudice

April 2, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Mr Darcy looks at Elizabeth Bennet and thinks "I don't understand. Why doesn't she like me?"

Mr Darcy, "I stare at her ALL THE TIME."

We started rewatching the old BBC miniseries of Pride and Prejudice this week with the kid. So far, she loathes Mr. Darcy, but is highly amused by the awkwardness of Mr. Collins.

COVID-19 Isolation By Day

March 31, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Day 8: Gif illustration of my daughter running around with a bag over her head.

Day 13: Illustration of me asking my reluctant family "Who wants to cut my hair?!"

Day 15: Mike yelling out the window "HEY! Get outta here! That's not for you!"

A squirrel stands motionless at the bird feeder.

Mike: Aww. Now I feel bad.

Mike Yells out the window again: It's okay! You can have it!

The squirrel happily stuffs its cheeks with seeds.

Working from Home, part 2

March 25, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration of me singing at my desk at home. (I'd Like to Visit the Moon, from Sesame Street)

Daughter: Mommy, do you sing at your desk at your real work?

Me: No, I don't...

Daughter: JUST ONE MORE BONUS OF WORKING FROM HOME!!

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