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Nicole Smeltzer

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The Middlest Sister

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Mouse in the House

January 4, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

There is a mouse in the house.

I have tried everything to keep it out. But I keeps coming back in.

It makes me so angry, I just want to murder it.

Woman worker at hardware store: We actually have a really large selection of poisons in aisle 7. Me: omg, no! I don't want to MURDER murder it!

Hyperbole can be so dangerous!

(Please don’t give me mouse solutions. I already have a mouse solution. I’m planning on stuffing a cat in every crevice. Thank you.)

Happy New Ear!

January 1, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Woman to little girl: Happy new year! Little girl: Happy new ear!

Woman looks puzzled. Little girl: I hope I get little pointy dog ears!

Illustration of delighted girl with pointy dog ears.

I hope you get earything you desire this year.

vegetarian midlife crisis what

December 28, 2019December 28, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

Is this related to the freezer fish thing?

For as long as I've know Mike, he's been a vegetarian.

But lately he's been saying things like "I think I want to go hunting."

and "If I killed a goose, would you eat it?"

Search bar with the words: pod person how to know

Search bar with the words: vegetarian midlife crisis what

Search bar with the word: what??!

Goose leaning into image frame saying "whut."

Can’t Write

December 27, 2019March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I have loads of free time at the moment. I wish I could write. But I can't. (Illustration of a tiny woman skipping on text on lined paper.)

I'm just a cookie now. (Illustration of a woman who has turned into a giant chocolate chip cookie.)

Me as a Vampire

December 23, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

me as a vampire

"ooo um actually, do you have any carbonated blood?"

The Mousetrap

December 22, 2019December 22, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

We got a humane mouse trap. And it worked! It caught the mouse. (Illustration of a rattling mouse trap.)

But now the cat thinks the trap is a magic box that makes mice. (Illustration of a magician mouse exiting the trap.)

And he won't stop staring at it. (Illustration of big staring cat eyes.)

Thus ensuring it will never, ever work again. (Gif of a cat paw slowing pawing at the open trap.)

The Note to Self

Image | December 20, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

She taped a long string to her bedroom ceiling. Then she used a paperclip to attach a card for her teacher to the string. And at the bottom of the string she taped a note. And it all hung just above her nose so she would see it when she woke up.

The Sharpie

December 19, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

I needed to mail a Christmas package off to my parents, but my black Sharpie had run out of ink. (Illustration: Sharpie frowning and saying "I'm sorry.")

I looked in my art studio to see what else I could use to write out their address. (Illustration: Bamboo reed pen and bottle of ink.)

I wrote out the address the best I could, but Mike said it looked deranged and would probably get flagged byt he post office. (Illustration of the package, looking decidedly deranged.) I mailed it anyway.

Well, I just looked in Mike's desk drawer and guess what I found?? (Illustration of a happy Sharpie saying "I'm full of ink!) IT WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME!

Deranged-looking hand lettering in ink that says: The Whole Time

Fish Story

December 19, 2019December 19, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

Mike bought a fish from the pet store and they said to bring it in if it dies and they will replace it. Well, it did die, but Mike didn't have time to go to the store, so he stuck it in the freezer in a baggie. (Illustration: Fish in a baggie labeled Do Not Eat)

That was months ago and now there are two more... (Illustration: Three baggies of labeled, dead fish)

Illustration of a cell phone open to a search bar with the words: fish serial killer how to know

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