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Nicole Smeltzer

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The Middlest Sister

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Star Trek: Mini Comics

March 1, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Silly Trek comics cause it was too cold to leave the house today:

The Enterprise waits by a green planet. From the planet, a word bubble emerged :My Word!

Picard, Worf, Geordi, Troi and Riker all stand on the planet's surface. Picard: This planet is entirely populated by pre-warp, hyper-intelligent bunnies!

Illustration of a large number of bunnies.

The crew runs off saying SQUEEE! Picard: THE PRIME DIRECTIVE! COME BACK!

Geordie, Troi, and Riker cuddle bunnies. Picard slaps his forehead. Worf looks confused.

Riker and Deanna stand by a chair. Riker: what's that? Deanna: it's a chair.

Riker lifts his leg over the chair back. Riker: How do I...? Deanna, crossing her arms: Nope.

Riker puts the chair on his head. Deanna: Uhn uh.

Riker curls up sideways in the chair, his arm dangling down. Deanna: Keep trying.

Riker sits upside down in the chair, all alone. Riker: Deanna, I think I've got it! — Much later…

Riker, yelling: DEANNA

Livin’ the Dream

February 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I was having trouble concentrating during the meeting

Because out the window, just over my boss's shoulder, there was a crow circling

And when it landed, I would see that it was carrying a whole sandwich.

Me, thinking: livin' the dream...

Afoot

February 3, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Me, coming home from work: HONEY! I'm hooooooooooome!

Mike: Welcome home! Just a heads up, the neighbor girl is afoot.

Neighbor girl, yelling: A FOOT?? A FOOT?!! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!

SLAM!

Daughter: DADDY!!

Mike looks alarmed/surprised.

Taste of Victory

January 28, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I left the fridge door open while I prepared my cup of coffee this morning.

Seizing the opportunity, the cat raced over and bit into the first thing he saw, which was a head of cabbage.

He didn't care for the cabbage, but he did seem to relish the experience as a whole.

Cat: I have tasted of the box of plenty! *purr* *purr*

Lucid Dreaming

January 20, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Whoa! I'm floating!

Usually this only happens to me in dreams...

...but now it's happening to me in really life! FINALLY! (The woman's hair has turned green. She is holding a floating rabbit on a string. Her daughter has turned into a houseplant and is asking to go to the park.)

Image of search bar with the words: lucid dreaming too dumb??

Lil’ Bob Dylan

January 16, 2020March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Toddler singing in the backseat: These mushrooms are glorious and special. We should take them from outside. Maybe we should go to Boston and find a rainbow? Hey, maybe these mushrooms that we've never seen before. Hey, we can do it and this is the end?

Every toddler singing tunelessly to themselves in the backseat sounds just like Bob Dylan.

Or Bob Dylan sounds just like them.

Winter Routine

January 6, 2020January 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

My Winter Routine:

Step 1: Stand close to the gas heater until my clothes get so scorching hot they start to burn my flesh.

Step 2: Move one baby step away from the heater and stare at it for 30 seconds.

Step 3: Close the gap.

And repeat.

Illustration of a woman saying ouch!

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