Blog – Nicole Smeltzer

Re-reading Emily of New Moon

Emily stands next to a cat. Ilse: You blithering centipede.

Emily bends to pet the cat. Ilse: You're a skunk and a bloodthirsty mink!

Emily walks away cuddling the cat. Ilse: YOU PROUD, STUCK-UP, CONCEITED BIPED!!

I’m keeping a catalogue of Ilse’s best insults.

COVID-19 Isolation: Day 28

Me, holding a large stick.

Daughter: NO, you can't use THAT stick to build the trellis! That's Jimmy!!

I stare blankly at her.

Daughter: JIMMY THE STICK!

COVID-19 Isolation: Day 24

Child: I MADE CANDY GLUE!!!

Me: I don't want to know what that means.

COVID-19 Isolation: Every Day So Far

Cat: You're home! It's dinner time!

me: No, Bubba. It's 8AM.

Cat: You're home! It's dinner time!

me: No, Bubba. It's 90:30 AM.

Cat: You're home! It's dinner time!

Me: No, Bubba. Not yet.

Cat: YOU'RE HOME! IT'S DINNER TIME!

Me: No, Bubba.

Cat: You're home! It's DINNER TIME!

Me: It's just 3:30, Bubs!

Cat: YOU'RE HOME

Me, running away

Rewatching Pride & Prejudice

Mr Darcy looks at Elizabeth Bennet and thinks "I don't understand. Why doesn't she like me?"

Mr Darcy, "I stare at her ALL THE TIME."

We started rewatching the old BBC miniseries of Pride and Prejudice this week with the kid. So far, she loathes Mr. Darcy, but is highly amused by the awkwardness of Mr. Collins.

COVID-19 Isolation By Day

Day 8: Gif illustration of my daughter running around with a bag over her head.

Day 13: Illustration of me asking my reluctant family "Who wants to cut my hair?!"

Day 15: Mike yelling out the window "HEY! Get outta here! That's not for you!"

A squirrel stands motionless at the bird feeder.

Mike: Aww. Now I feel bad.

Mike Yells out the window again: It's okay! You can have it!

The squirrel happily stuffs its cheeks with seeds.

Working from Home, part 2

Illustration of me singing at my desk at home. (I'd Like to Visit the Moon, from Sesame Street)

Daughter: Mommy, do you sing at your desk at your real work?

Me: No, I don't...

Daughter: JUST ONE MORE BONUS OF WORKING FROM HOME!!

Working from Home, part 1

Illustration of me on the phone with IT My chatty cat thinks I'm talking to HIM.

Me, on phone: I tried that, but it says INVALID USER.

Cat: Hello?

Me, on phone: Sorry, this is taking forever to download. I think my kid is watching Netflix.

Cat: I AM DOWN HERE!

Still on the phone, the cat yowling over everything: I SAID I'M DOWN HERE!

My chatty cat does not understand phone conversations.

What a Week

Me, coming home from work every day this week: lying facedown on the floor

The cat peeks out from the corner

The cat approaches curiously

The cat sits on my head, purring

Norman Disagrees

Norman the cat scratches at an ottoman. Out of panel, a voice yells "NORMAN!"

Norman pauses. I say: No, Norman. No!

Norman thinks.

Norman returns to his scratching thinking: Norman says yes.

Introducing Pepper!

We got a pet hamster! Her name is Pepper. She has pockets!

Everyone loves her! Illustration of family loving the hamster. The cat is small and blurry in the distance.

Close-up of cat.

Closer close-up of cat.

Extreme close-up of cat with MURDER in his eyes.

March 7, 2020March 9, 2020

Don’t Put Maows in My Mouth

Illustration of a cat saying MAOW

Little girl to her mother: Awww! Norman says he's lonely and he wants us to adopt a kitten for him to play with!!

Cat, yelling: Stop misrepresenting me!

Cat, pouting behind his tail with a storm cloud over his head: That's NOT what I maowed.

Smol Frogs

I love the frogs in the pond behind my house.

I keep trying to draw them, but they never look cute.

Illustration of my trying to draw frogs and failing. "Why can't I do this?!"

Me to badly drawn frog: I'm so sorry! Please don't be mad.

Frog: We're not mad.

Two badly drawn frogs: "...just disappointed."

Star Trek: Mini Comics

Silly Trek comics cause it was too cold to leave the house today:

The Enterprise waits by a green planet. From the planet, a word bubble emerged :My Word!

Picard, Worf, Geordi, Troi and Riker all stand on the planet's surface. Picard: This planet is entirely populated by pre-warp, hyper-intelligent bunnies!

Illustration of a large number of bunnies.

The crew runs off saying SQUEEE! Picard: THE PRIME DIRECTIVE! COME BACK!

Geordie, Troi, and Riker cuddle bunnies. Picard slaps his forehead. Worf looks confused.

Riker and Deanna stand by a chair. Riker: what's that? Deanna: it's a chair.

Riker lifts his leg over the chair back. Riker: How do I...? Deanna, crossing her arms: Nope.

Riker puts the chair on his head. Deanna: Uhn uh.

Riker curls up sideways in the chair, his arm dangling down. Deanna: Keep trying.

Riker sits upside down in the chair, all alone. Riker: Deanna, I think I've got it! — Much later…

Riker, yelling: DEANNA

February 29, 2020

Magazine Quality

Nicki peeks around the corner at Mike playing the guitar. "Hi." "Hi!"

Nicki sees Mike drinking a cup of tea. "Hi!" "Hi." Hearts float above her head.

Nicki sees Mike brushing his teeth. Says "Hiii" in big pink caption while she stares adoringly.

Mike got a haircut.

February 22, 2020

Why do you keep ruining my life?

Woman reading a book with a cup of tea

Woman reading, more dishes pile up

Woman reading more, more dishes

Woman reading. "The end. THE END??!"

Woman yelling, "I AM DEVASTATED!"

Authors, man.

February 16, 2020

Oh, beans

Illustration of a woman opening a can of beans. *pop!*

Illustration of woman opening a can of beans and peeling back the lid. *shhhhk!*

A puff of smoke appears beside her.

Ah, it's the cat. Cat: You summoned me?

The woman pats the cat's head. |Sorry, buddy. It's just beans."

The cat wails: BEANS!

February 10, 2020

A Craving for Something

Daughter: I have a craving for something, but I don't know what!

Me: What?? We just ate dinner and you said you were full!

Daughter, swanning away: ...but WHAT?

February 9, 2020

Attention, Please

Ginger cat screams for attention

Cat scream louder: Your ATTENTION please!

Family looks at cat.

Cat flops over and purrs.

February 8, 2020

Petite

Nurse, measuring: Okay, looks like you're 5'2.5"...

Me: Can you write down 5'3"?

Nurse: ...

Nurse: ...

Nurse: No.

February 5, 2020

Livin’ the Dream

I was having trouble concentrating during the meeting

Because out the window, just over my boss's shoulder, there was a crow circling

And when it landed, I would see that it was carrying a whole sandwich.

Me, thinking: livin' the dream...

February 3, 2020

Afoot

Me, coming home from work: HONEY! I'm hooooooooooome!

Mike: Welcome home! Just a heads up, the neighbor girl is afoot.

Neighbor girl, yelling: A FOOT?? A FOOT?!! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!

SLAM!

Daughter: DADDY!!

Mike looks alarmed/surprised.

February 2, 2020

Hourly Comic Day 2020

6-7AM: Cuddled with the cat

7-8AM: Hinted to Mike that he should make breakfast burritos.

Mike: Good morning! Sleep well?

Me, attacking: Yaaaaaaaaaas, you're awake I'm so hungry!!

9-10AM: Made and posted a comic about Groundhog Day.

10-11AM: Went appliance shopping.

Family: Your cheapest dryer, please!

Salesman: ok

12-1PM: Pizza lunch!

1-2PM: Took a walk and saw a group of starlings form a perfect ring in the graveyard.

Me: uhhhh...

2-4PM: Started googling and fell into a rabbit hole.

Search engine: bird omens

4-5PM: Noticed a bird staring in at me from the window.

5-6PM: Followed the bird to a mysterious portal

6-7PM: Debated entering for so long that the bird got bored and flew away. The portal closed.

Bird: Byeeeeeeeeeee

7-8PM: Ate dinner with Mike and our daughter and the larger-than-life worm sculpture she made today and named Sally.

8-9PM: Same bedtime routine, new stalling method.

Daughter: WAIT!! Sally needs her pajamas on, too!

9-11PM: Watching the Good Place with Mike.

Me: I love Janet!!

11PM-midnight: Pillow mist to help prevent nightmares.

Me: I can't believe this is working!

February 1, 2020

Groundhog Day

Father and daughter walking together. Daughter: "Daddy, what is Groundhog Day?"

"It's the day when the groundhog comes out of his burrow. If he sees his shadow, then there will be 6 more weeks of winter."

Daughter: Oh, I see.

And what is a "week"?

Flashback to when she was 3 years old.

January 29, 2020

Dedicated to the One I Love

We found an old Lennon Sister album on vinyl for $2 at the secondhand store. We took it home and put it on.

And we danced

while our daughter struggled to suppress her gag reflex.

Daughter: UGH, you guys are SO GROSS.

Mike: You know you could go to any other room in the house, right?

Me: Any other room.

January 28, 2020

Taste of Victory

I left the fridge door open while I prepared my cup of coffee this morning.

Seizing the opportunity, the cat raced over and bit into the first thing he saw, which was a head of cabbage.

He didn't care for the cabbage, but he did seem to relish the experience as a whole.

Cat: I have tasted of the box of plenty! *purr* *purr*

January 27, 2020

Make It Snow

She flushed ice cube after ice cube down the toilet yesterday.

because she read on the internet that that would make it snow. Kid: That should do it!

January 22, 2020January 22, 2020

Just Feelings

Illustration if father and daughter arguing. Father: Inanimate objects do not have feelings! Daughter: EVERYTHING has feelings!

Father: ...what about the toilet? Daughter: The toilet has Very Big feelings!

Toilet: My feelings are both intense and valid.

January 21, 2020

Stay Hydrated, Bookworms

Illustration of woman ryingover book.

Woman dry sobs

Woman chugs a sports drink

Woman resumes crying over book.