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Nicole Smeltzer

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The Middlest Sister

Author: Nicole Smeltzer

Technically

September 11, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

The cat meows. Me: "Technically, you still have food in your bowl."

The cat responds, "Technically MEOW MEOW MEOW"

It’s Monarch Time

September 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

We like to collect caterpillars in summer and watch them form a chrysalis.

It's so thrilling to watch them emerge

Especially to the cat. (Cat thinking "Flippity flappities!"

Agatha Christie Novels

August 27, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

The ending to 85% of Agatha Christie novels:

Man, randomly: Say, why don't you and I get married?

Woman: Well, I suppose I have nothing better going on...

Man: WHAT A GAL!

Poirot: Ah, les femmes!

Dentist Visit

August 12, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Me at the dentist: Illustration of me in the dentist chair with the dentist poking some sharp tool in my mouth.

My tongue at the dentist: Illustration of my tongue poking around the corner saying "Heyyyyy! What is UP!"

Eye Exam

July 15, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

In addition to poor vision, I also apparently have no inner monologue.

Re-reading Emily of New Moon

April 25, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Emily stands next to a cat. Ilse: You blithering centipede.

Emily bends to pet the cat. Ilse: You're a skunk and a bloodthirsty mink!

Emily walks away cuddling the cat. Ilse: YOU PROUD, STUCK-UP, CONCEITED BIPED!!

I’m keeping a catalogue of Ilse’s best insults.

COVID-19 Isolation: Day 28

April 13, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Me, holding a large stick.

Daughter: NO, you can't use THAT stick to build the trellis! That's Jimmy!!

I stare blankly at her.

Daughter: JIMMY THE STICK!

COVID-19 Isolation: Day 24

Image | April 8, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Child: I MADE CANDY GLUE!!!

Me: I don't want to know what that means.

COVID-19 Isolation: Every Day So Far

April 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Cat: You're home! It's dinner time!

me: No, Bubba. It's 8AM.

Cat: You're home! It's dinner time!

me: No, Bubba. It's 90:30 AM.

Cat: You're home! It's dinner time!

Me: No, Bubba. Not yet.

Cat: YOU'RE HOME! IT'S DINNER TIME!

Me: No, Bubba.

Cat: You're home! It's DINNER TIME!

Me: It's just 3:30, Bubs!

Cat: YOU'RE HOME

Me, running away

Rewatching Pride & Prejudice

April 2, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Mr Darcy looks at Elizabeth Bennet and thinks "I don't understand. Why doesn't she like me?"

Mr Darcy, "I stare at her ALL THE TIME."

We started rewatching the old BBC miniseries of Pride and Prejudice this week with the kid. So far, she loathes Mr. Darcy, but is highly amused by the awkwardness of Mr. Collins.

COVID-19 Isolation By Day

March 31, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Day 8: Gif illustration of my daughter running around with a bag over her head.

Day 13: Illustration of me asking my reluctant family "Who wants to cut my hair?!"

Day 15: Mike yelling out the window "HEY! Get outta here! That's not for you!"

A squirrel stands motionless at the bird feeder.

Mike: Aww. Now I feel bad.

Mike Yells out the window again: It's okay! You can have it!

The squirrel happily stuffs its cheeks with seeds.

Working from Home, part 2

March 25, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration of me singing at my desk at home. (I'd Like to Visit the Moon, from Sesame Street)

Daughter: Mommy, do you sing at your desk at your real work?

Me: No, I don't...

Daughter: JUST ONE MORE BONUS OF WORKING FROM HOME!!

Working from Home, part 1

March 24, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration of me on the phone with IT My chatty cat thinks I'm talking to HIM.

Me, on phone: I tried that, but it says INVALID USER.

Cat: Hello?

Me, on phone: Sorry, this is taking forever to download. I think my kid is watching Netflix.

Cat: I AM DOWN HERE!

Still on the phone, the cat yowling over everything: I SAID I'M DOWN HERE!

My chatty cat does not understand phone conversations.

What a Week

March 19, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Me, coming home from work every day this week: lying facedown on the floor

The cat peeks out from the corner

The cat approaches curiously

The cat sits on my head, purring

The Governor Says Social Distancing

March 18, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Me to daughter: Sorry, honey. The governor says no more playdates or slumber parties.

Daughter: HE DIDN'T REALLY SAY THAT! DON'T LIE, MOMMY! Me, showing phone: He did! Look!

Headline on phone: GOVERNOR REALLY SAID THAT

Daughter, shouting to the heavens: WHO EVEN IS THIS GUY?

Norman Disagrees

March 10, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Norman the cat scratches at an ottoman. Out of panel, a voice yells "NORMAN!"

Norman pauses. I say: No, Norman. No!

Norman thinks.

Norman returns to his scratching thinking: Norman says yes.

Introducing Pepper!

March 8, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

We got a pet hamster! Her name is Pepper. She has pockets!

Everyone loves her! Illustration of family loving the hamster. The cat is small and blurry in the distance.

Close-up of cat.

Closer close-up of cat.

Extreme close-up of cat with MURDER in his eyes.

Don’t Put Maows in My Mouth

March 7, 2020March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration of a cat saying MAOW

Little girl to her mother: Awww! Norman says he's lonely and he wants us to adopt a kitten for him to play with!!

Cat, yelling: Stop misrepresenting me!

Cat, pouting behind his tail with a storm cloud over his head: That's NOT what I maowed.

Smol Frogs

March 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I love the frogs in the pond behind my house.

I keep trying to draw them, but they never look cute.

Illustration of my trying to draw frogs and failing. "Why can't I do this?!"

Me to badly drawn frog: I'm so sorry! Please don't be mad.

Frog: We're not mad.

Two badly drawn frogs: "...just disappointed."

Star Trek: Mini Comics

March 1, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Silly Trek comics cause it was too cold to leave the house today:

The Enterprise waits by a green planet. From the planet, a word bubble emerged :My Word!

Picard, Worf, Geordi, Troi and Riker all stand on the planet's surface. Picard: This planet is entirely populated by pre-warp, hyper-intelligent bunnies!

Illustration of a large number of bunnies.

The crew runs off saying SQUEEE! Picard: THE PRIME DIRECTIVE! COME BACK!

Geordie, Troi, and Riker cuddle bunnies. Picard slaps his forehead. Worf looks confused.

Riker and Deanna stand by a chair. Riker: what's that? Deanna: it's a chair.

Riker lifts his leg over the chair back. Riker: How do I...? Deanna, crossing her arms: Nope.

Riker puts the chair on his head. Deanna: Uhn uh.

Riker curls up sideways in the chair, his arm dangling down. Deanna: Keep trying.

Riker sits upside down in the chair, all alone. Riker: Deanna, I think I've got it! — Much later…

Riker, yelling: DEANNA

Magazine Quality

February 29, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Nicki peeks around the corner at Mike playing the guitar. "Hi." "Hi!"

Nicki sees Mike drinking a cup of tea. "Hi!" "Hi." Hearts float above her head.

Nicki sees Mike brushing his teeth. Says "Hiii" in big pink caption while she stares adoringly.

Mike got a haircut.

Why do you keep ruining my life?

February 22, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Woman reading a book with a cup of tea

Woman reading, more dishes pile up

Woman reading more, more dishes

Woman reading. "The end. THE END??!"

Woman yelling, "I AM DEVASTATED!"

Authors, man.

Oh, beans

February 16, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration of a woman opening a can of beans. *pop!*

Illustration of woman opening a can of beans and peeling back the lid. *shhhhk!*

A puff of smoke appears beside her.

Ah, it's the cat. Cat: You summoned me?

The woman pats the cat's head. |Sorry, buddy. It's just beans."

The cat wails: BEANS!

A Craving for Something

February 10, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Daughter: I have a craving for something, but I don't know what!

Me: What?? We just ate dinner and you said you were full!

Daughter, swanning away: ...but WHAT?

Attention, Please

February 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Ginger cat screams for attention

Cat scream louder: Your ATTENTION please!

Family looks at cat.

Cat flops over and purrs.

Petite

February 8, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Nurse, measuring: Okay, looks like you're 5'2.5"...

Me: Can you write down 5'3"?

Nurse: ...

Nurse: ...

Nurse: No.

Livin’ the Dream

February 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I was having trouble concentrating during the meeting

Because out the window, just over my boss's shoulder, there was a crow circling

And when it landed, I would see that it was carrying a whole sandwich.

Me, thinking: livin' the dream...

Afoot

February 3, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Me, coming home from work: HONEY! I'm hooooooooooome!

Mike: Welcome home! Just a heads up, the neighbor girl is afoot.

Neighbor girl, yelling: A FOOT?? A FOOT?!! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!

SLAM!

Daughter: DADDY!!

Mike looks alarmed/surprised.

Hourly Comic Day 2020

February 2, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

6-7AM: Cuddled with the cat

7-8AM: Hinted to Mike that he should make breakfast burritos.

Mike: Good morning! Sleep well?

Me, attacking: Yaaaaaaaaaas, you're awake I'm so hungry!!

9-10AM: Made and posted a comic about Groundhog Day.

10-11AM: Went appliance shopping.

Family: Your cheapest dryer, please!

Salesman: ok

12-1PM: Pizza lunch!

1-2PM: Took a walk and saw a group of starlings form a perfect ring in the graveyard.

Me: uhhhh...

2-4PM: Started googling and fell into a rabbit hole.

Search engine: bird omens

4-5PM: Noticed a bird staring in at me from the window.

5-6PM: Followed the bird to a mysterious portal

6-7PM: Debated entering for so long that the bird got bored and flew away. The portal closed.

Bird: Byeeeeeeeeeee

7-8PM: Ate dinner with Mike and our daughter and the larger-than-life worm sculpture she made today and named Sally.

8-9PM: Same bedtime routine, new stalling method.

Daughter: WAIT!! Sally needs her pajamas on, too!

9-11PM: Watching the Good Place with Mike.

Me: I love Janet!!

11PM-midnight: Pillow mist to help prevent nightmares.

Me: I can't believe this is working!

Groundhog Day

February 1, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Father and daughter walking together. Daughter: "Daddy, what is Groundhog Day?"

"It's the day when the groundhog comes out of his burrow. If he sees his shadow, then there will be 6 more weeks of winter."

Daughter: Oh, I see.

And what is a "week"?

Flashback to when she was 3 years old.

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