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Nicole Smeltzer

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The Middlest Sister

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It’s Monarch Time

September 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

We like to collect caterpillars in summer and watch them form a chrysalis.

It's so thrilling to watch them emerge

Especially to the cat. (Cat thinking "Flippity flappities!"

Petite

February 8, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Nurse, measuring: Okay, looks like you're 5'2.5"...

Me: Can you write down 5'3"?

Nurse: ...

Nurse: ...

Nurse: No.

Livin’ the Dream

February 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I was having trouble concentrating during the meeting

Because out the window, just over my boss's shoulder, there was a crow circling

And when it landed, I would see that it was carrying a whole sandwich.

Me, thinking: livin' the dream...

Afoot

February 3, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Me, coming home from work: HONEY! I'm hooooooooooome!

Mike: Welcome home! Just a heads up, the neighbor girl is afoot.

Neighbor girl, yelling: A FOOT?? A FOOT?!! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!

SLAM!

Daughter: DADDY!!

Mike looks alarmed/surprised.

Groundhog Day

February 1, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Father and daughter walking together. Daughter: "Daddy, what is Groundhog Day?"

"It's the day when the groundhog comes out of his burrow. If he sees his shadow, then there will be 6 more weeks of winter."

Daughter: Oh, I see.

And what is a "week"?

Flashback to when she was 3 years old.

Dedicated to the One I Love

January 29, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

We found an old Lennon Sister album on vinyl for $2 at the secondhand store. We took it home and put it on.

And we danced

while our daughter struggled to suppress her gag reflex.

Daughter: UGH, you guys are SO GROSS.

Mike: You know you could go to any other room in the house, right?

Me: Any other room.

Taste of Victory

January 28, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I left the fridge door open while I prepared my cup of coffee this morning.

Seizing the opportunity, the cat raced over and bit into the first thing he saw, which was a head of cabbage.

He didn't care for the cabbage, but he did seem to relish the experience as a whole.

Cat: I have tasted of the box of plenty! *purr* *purr*

Make It Snow

January 27, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

She flushed ice cube after ice cube down the toilet yesterday.

because she read on the internet that that would make it snow. Kid: That should do it!

Just Feelings

January 22, 2020January 22, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration if father and daughter arguing. Father: Inanimate objects do not have feelings! Daughter: EVERYTHING has feelings!

Father: ...what about the toilet? Daughter: The toilet has Very Big feelings!

Toilet: My feelings are both intense and valid.

Stay Hydrated, Bookworms

January 21, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration of woman ryingover book.

Woman dry sobs

Woman chugs a sports drink

Woman resumes crying over book.

Lucid Dreaming

January 20, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Whoa! I'm floating!

Usually this only happens to me in dreams...

...but now it's happening to me in really life! FINALLY! (The woman's hair has turned green. She is holding a floating rabbit on a string. Her daughter has turned into a houseplant and is asking to go to the park.)

Image of search bar with the words: lucid dreaming too dumb??

Symptoms

January 17, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I have the hiccups!

My tooth! Is wiggly!

Gasp! My temperature is a degree lower than it was yesterday! (97.9 degrees)

Oh gawd is this a head cold?

Lil’ Bob Dylan

January 16, 2020March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Toddler singing in the backseat: These mushrooms are glorious and special. We should take them from outside. Maybe we should go to Boston and find a rainbow? Hey, maybe these mushrooms that we've never seen before. Hey, we can do it and this is the end?

Every toddler singing tunelessly to themselves in the backseat sounds just like Bob Dylan.

Or Bob Dylan sounds just like them.

Party like you’re 1999

January 15, 2020March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Ugh. When this is all over, I'm going to treat myself to a nice, hot cup of peppermint tea.

Illustration of a lady dancing wildly with her cup of tea saying LIVE IT UP!

Elememetary

January 13, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

So, what meme did you learn at school today?

I asked my daughter this question one day as a joke and got an earnest answer in reply. Now I ask it every evening at dinnertime.

Mother knows nothing

January 8, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Girl: Why aren't you singing? You're just moving your lips.

Mother: I'm lip-syncing

Girl: Mommy, it's called lip-SINGING, not sinking!

Mother: S_Y_N_C, like when two things happen at the same time.

Girl: Sigh... that's called jinxing.

Mother: Ah, when will I learn

😦 I was just trying to lip-jinx Shania Twain in peace

Good night

January 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Every bedtime since she could talk, my daughter has said these three things:

"Dood night! I wuv you! I wish I would stop going to bed!"

It's been seven years of "Good night! I love you! I wish I would stop going to bed!"

It always made me laugh. But last night I realized she didn't say it. And that she hadn't said it in a while.

Good night. I love you. I would I would stop hurtling forward through time.

vegetarian midlife crisis what

December 28, 2019December 28, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

Is this related to the freezer fish thing?

For as long as I've know Mike, he's been a vegetarian.

But lately he's been saying things like "I think I want to go hunting."

and "If I killed a goose, would you eat it?"

Search bar with the words: pod person how to know

Search bar with the words: vegetarian midlife crisis what

Search bar with the word: what??!

Goose leaning into image frame saying "whut."

Can’t Write

December 27, 2019March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I have loads of free time at the moment. I wish I could write. But I can't. (Illustration of a tiny woman skipping on text on lined paper.)

I'm just a cookie now. (Illustration of a woman who has turned into a giant chocolate chip cookie.)

The Mousetrap

December 22, 2019December 22, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

We got a humane mouse trap. And it worked! It caught the mouse. (Illustration of a rattling mouse trap.)

But now the cat thinks the trap is a magic box that makes mice. (Illustration of a magician mouse exiting the trap.)

And he won't stop staring at it. (Illustration of big staring cat eyes.)

Thus ensuring it will never, ever work again. (Gif of a cat paw slowing pawing at the open trap.)

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