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Nicole Smeltzer

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The Middlest Sister

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It’s Monarch Time

September 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

We like to collect caterpillars in summer and watch them form a chrysalis.

It's so thrilling to watch them emerge

Especially to the cat. (Cat thinking "Flippity flappities!"

Dentist Visit

August 12, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Me at the dentist: Illustration of me in the dentist chair with the dentist poking some sharp tool in my mouth.

My tongue at the dentist: Illustration of my tongue poking around the corner saying "Heyyyyy! What is UP!"

COVID-19 Isolation: Every Day So Far

April 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Cat: You're home! It's dinner time!

me: No, Bubba. It's 8AM.

Cat: You're home! It's dinner time!

me: No, Bubba. It's 90:30 AM.

Cat: You're home! It's dinner time!

Me: No, Bubba. Not yet.

Cat: YOU'RE HOME! IT'S DINNER TIME!

Me: No, Bubba.

Cat: You're home! It's DINNER TIME!

Me: It's just 3:30, Bubs!

Cat: YOU'RE HOME

Me, running away

COVID-19 Isolation By Day

March 31, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Day 8: Gif illustration of my daughter running around with a bag over her head.

Day 13: Illustration of me asking my reluctant family "Who wants to cut my hair?!"

Day 15: Mike yelling out the window "HEY! Get outta here! That's not for you!"

A squirrel stands motionless at the bird feeder.

Mike: Aww. Now I feel bad.

Mike Yells out the window again: It's okay! You can have it!

The squirrel happily stuffs its cheeks with seeds.

What a Week

March 19, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Me, coming home from work every day this week: lying facedown on the floor

The cat peeks out from the corner

The cat approaches curiously

The cat sits on my head, purring

The Governor Says Social Distancing

March 18, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Me to daughter: Sorry, honey. The governor says no more playdates or slumber parties.

Daughter: HE DIDN'T REALLY SAY THAT! DON'T LIE, MOMMY! Me, showing phone: He did! Look!

Headline on phone: GOVERNOR REALLY SAID THAT

Daughter, shouting to the heavens: WHO EVEN IS THIS GUY?

Norman Disagrees

March 10, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Norman the cat scratches at an ottoman. Out of panel, a voice yells "NORMAN!"

Norman pauses. I say: No, Norman. No!

Norman thinks.

Norman returns to his scratching thinking: Norman says yes.

Smol Frogs

March 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I love the frogs in the pond behind my house.

I keep trying to draw them, but they never look cute.

Illustration of my trying to draw frogs and failing. "Why can't I do this?!"

Me to badly drawn frog: I'm so sorry! Please don't be mad.

Frog: We're not mad.

Two badly drawn frogs: "...just disappointed."

Magazine Quality

February 29, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Nicki peeks around the corner at Mike playing the guitar. "Hi." "Hi!"

Nicki sees Mike drinking a cup of tea. "Hi!" "Hi." Hearts float above her head.

Nicki sees Mike brushing his teeth. Says "Hiii" in big pink caption while she stares adoringly.

Mike got a haircut.

A Craving for Something

February 10, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Daughter: I have a craving for something, but I don't know what!

Me: What?? We just ate dinner and you said you were full!

Daughter, swanning away: ...but WHAT?

Attention, Please

February 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Ginger cat screams for attention

Cat scream louder: Your ATTENTION please!

Family looks at cat.

Cat flops over and purrs.

Petite

February 8, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Nurse, measuring: Okay, looks like you're 5'2.5"...

Me: Can you write down 5'3"?

Nurse: ...

Nurse: ...

Nurse: No.

Livin’ the Dream

February 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I was having trouble concentrating during the meeting

Because out the window, just over my boss's shoulder, there was a crow circling

And when it landed, I would see that it was carrying a whole sandwich.

Me, thinking: livin' the dream...

Groundhog Day

February 1, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Father and daughter walking together. Daughter: "Daddy, what is Groundhog Day?"

"It's the day when the groundhog comes out of his burrow. If he sees his shadow, then there will be 6 more weeks of winter."

Daughter: Oh, I see.

And what is a "week"?

Flashback to when she was 3 years old.

Dedicated to the One I Love

January 29, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

We found an old Lennon Sister album on vinyl for $2 at the secondhand store. We took it home and put it on.

And we danced

while our daughter struggled to suppress her gag reflex.

Daughter: UGH, you guys are SO GROSS.

Mike: You know you could go to any other room in the house, right?

Me: Any other room.

Taste of Victory

January 28, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I left the fridge door open while I prepared my cup of coffee this morning.

Seizing the opportunity, the cat raced over and bit into the first thing he saw, which was a head of cabbage.

He didn't care for the cabbage, but he did seem to relish the experience as a whole.

Cat: I have tasted of the box of plenty! *purr* *purr*

Make It Snow

January 27, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

She flushed ice cube after ice cube down the toilet yesterday.

because she read on the internet that that would make it snow. Kid: That should do it!

Just Feelings

January 22, 2020January 22, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration if father and daughter arguing. Father: Inanimate objects do not have feelings! Daughter: EVERYTHING has feelings!

Father: ...what about the toilet? Daughter: The toilet has Very Big feelings!

Toilet: My feelings are both intense and valid.

Lil’ Bob Dylan

January 16, 2020March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Toddler singing in the backseat: These mushrooms are glorious and special. We should take them from outside. Maybe we should go to Boston and find a rainbow? Hey, maybe these mushrooms that we've never seen before. Hey, we can do it and this is the end?

Every toddler singing tunelessly to themselves in the backseat sounds just like Bob Dylan.

Or Bob Dylan sounds just like them.

Party like you’re 1999

January 15, 2020March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Ugh. When this is all over, I'm going to treat myself to a nice, hot cup of peppermint tea.

Illustration of a lady dancing wildly with her cup of tea saying LIVE IT UP!

The Plunger

January 14, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Child: MOMMY! Quick, I need the plunger!

Mom: What??

Child: Don't worry, I just need it to stabilize my fort!

Mom: WHAT??

Elememetary

January 13, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

So, what meme did you learn at school today?

I asked my daughter this question one day as a joke and got an earnest answer in reply. Now I ask it every evening at dinnertime.

Mother knows nothing

January 8, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Girl: Why aren't you singing? You're just moving your lips.

Mother: I'm lip-syncing

Girl: Mommy, it's called lip-SINGING, not sinking!

Mother: S_Y_N_C, like when two things happen at the same time.

Girl: Sigh... that's called jinxing.

Mother: Ah, when will I learn

😦 I was just trying to lip-jinx Shania Twain in peace

Nobody Nose

January 7, 2020January 7, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration of a little girl asking, "Whose nose do I have, yours or my daddy's?

Mother: Hmm, too early to tell. It's starting to look like mine--

Girl: oh, no!

Mother: --but it could still turn out like your father's?

Girl: oh, NO!

Father peeks into an empty frame, looking self-conscious.

Mouse in the House

January 4, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

There is a mouse in the house.

I have tried everything to keep it out. But I keeps coming back in.

It makes me so angry, I just want to murder it.

Woman worker at hardware store: We actually have a really large selection of poisons in aisle 7. Me: omg, no! I don't want to MURDER murder it!

Hyperbole can be so dangerous!

(Please don’t give me mouse solutions. I already have a mouse solution. I’m planning on stuffing a cat in every crevice. Thank you.)

Happy New Ear!

January 1, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Woman to little girl: Happy new year! Little girl: Happy new ear!

Woman looks puzzled. Little girl: I hope I get little pointy dog ears!

Illustration of delighted girl with pointy dog ears.

I hope you get earything you desire this year.

vegetarian midlife crisis what

December 28, 2019December 28, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

Is this related to the freezer fish thing?

For as long as I've know Mike, he's been a vegetarian.

But lately he's been saying things like "I think I want to go hunting."

and "If I killed a goose, would you eat it?"

Search bar with the words: pod person how to know

Search bar with the words: vegetarian midlife crisis what

Search bar with the word: what??!

Goose leaning into image frame saying "whut."

Can’t Write

December 27, 2019March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I have loads of free time at the moment. I wish I could write. But I can't. (Illustration of a tiny woman skipping on text on lined paper.)

I'm just a cookie now. (Illustration of a woman who has turned into a giant chocolate chip cookie.)

The Note to Self

Image | December 20, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

She taped a long string to her bedroom ceiling. Then she used a paperclip to attach a card for her teacher to the string. And at the bottom of the string she taped a note. And it all hung just above her nose so she would see it when she woke up.

The Sharpie

December 19, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

I needed to mail a Christmas package off to my parents, but my black Sharpie had run out of ink. (Illustration: Sharpie frowning and saying "I'm sorry.")

I looked in my art studio to see what else I could use to write out their address. (Illustration: Bamboo reed pen and bottle of ink.)

I wrote out the address the best I could, but Mike said it looked deranged and would probably get flagged byt he post office. (Illustration of the package, looking decidedly deranged.) I mailed it anyway.

Well, I just looked in Mike's desk drawer and guess what I found?? (Illustration of a happy Sharpie saying "I'm full of ink!) IT WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME!

Deranged-looking hand lettering in ink that says: The Whole Time

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