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Nicole Smeltzer

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The Middlest Sister

sequential art

It’s Monarch Time

September 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

We like to collect caterpillars in summer and watch them form a chrysalis.

It's so thrilling to watch them emerge

Especially to the cat. (Cat thinking "Flippity flappities!"

Working from Home, part 1

March 24, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration of me on the phone with IT My chatty cat thinks I'm talking to HIM.

Me, on phone: I tried that, but it says INVALID USER.

Cat: Hello?

Me, on phone: Sorry, this is taking forever to download. I think my kid is watching Netflix.

Cat: I AM DOWN HERE!

Still on the phone, the cat yowling over everything: I SAID I'M DOWN HERE!

My chatty cat does not understand phone conversations.

Smol Frogs

March 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I love the frogs in the pond behind my house.

I keep trying to draw them, but they never look cute.

Illustration of my trying to draw frogs and failing. "Why can't I do this?!"

Me to badly drawn frog: I'm so sorry! Please don't be mad.

Frog: We're not mad.

Two badly drawn frogs: "...just disappointed."

Magazine Quality

February 29, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Nicki peeks around the corner at Mike playing the guitar. "Hi." "Hi!"

Nicki sees Mike drinking a cup of tea. "Hi!" "Hi." Hearts float above her head.

Nicki sees Mike brushing his teeth. Says "Hiii" in big pink caption while she stares adoringly.

Mike got a haircut.

Oh, beans

February 16, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Illustration of a woman opening a can of beans. *pop!*

Illustration of woman opening a can of beans and peeling back the lid. *shhhhk!*

A puff of smoke appears beside her.

Ah, it's the cat. Cat: You summoned me?

The woman pats the cat's head. |Sorry, buddy. It's just beans."

The cat wails: BEANS!

A Craving for Something

February 10, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Daughter: I have a craving for something, but I don't know what!

Me: What?? We just ate dinner and you said you were full!

Daughter, swanning away: ...but WHAT?

Livin’ the Dream

February 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I was having trouble concentrating during the meeting

Because out the window, just over my boss's shoulder, there was a crow circling

And when it landed, I would see that it was carrying a whole sandwich.

Me, thinking: livin' the dream...

Dedicated to the One I Love

January 29, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

We found an old Lennon Sister album on vinyl for $2 at the secondhand store. We took it home and put it on.

And we danced

while our daughter struggled to suppress her gag reflex.

Daughter: UGH, you guys are SO GROSS.

Mike: You know you could go to any other room in the house, right?

Me: Any other room.

Taste of Victory

January 28, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I left the fridge door open while I prepared my cup of coffee this morning.

Seizing the opportunity, the cat raced over and bit into the first thing he saw, which was a head of cabbage.

He didn't care for the cabbage, but he did seem to relish the experience as a whole.

Cat: I have tasted of the box of plenty! *purr* *purr*

Make It Snow

January 27, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

She flushed ice cube after ice cube down the toilet yesterday.

because she read on the internet that that would make it snow. Kid: That should do it!

Symptoms

January 17, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I have the hiccups!

My tooth! Is wiggly!

Gasp! My temperature is a degree lower than it was yesterday! (97.9 degrees)

Oh gawd is this a head cold?

Lil’ Bob Dylan

January 16, 2020March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Toddler singing in the backseat: These mushrooms are glorious and special. We should take them from outside. Maybe we should go to Boston and find a rainbow? Hey, maybe these mushrooms that we've never seen before. Hey, we can do it and this is the end?

Every toddler singing tunelessly to themselves in the backseat sounds just like Bob Dylan.

Or Bob Dylan sounds just like them.

Winter Routine

January 6, 2020January 5, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

My Winter Routine:

Step 1: Stand close to the gas heater until my clothes get so scorching hot they start to burn my flesh.

Step 2: Move one baby step away from the heater and stare at it for 30 seconds.

Step 3: Close the gap.

And repeat.

Illustration of a woman saying ouch!

Mouse in the House

January 4, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

There is a mouse in the house.

I have tried everything to keep it out. But I keeps coming back in.

It makes me so angry, I just want to murder it.

Woman worker at hardware store: We actually have a really large selection of poisons in aisle 7. Me: omg, no! I don't want to MURDER murder it!

Hyperbole can be so dangerous!

(Please don’t give me mouse solutions. I already have a mouse solution. I’m planning on stuffing a cat in every crevice. Thank you.)

Happy New Ear!

January 1, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

Woman to little girl: Happy new year! Little girl: Happy new ear!

Woman looks puzzled. Little girl: I hope I get little pointy dog ears!

Illustration of delighted girl with pointy dog ears.

I hope you get earything you desire this year.

vegetarian midlife crisis what

December 28, 2019December 28, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

Is this related to the freezer fish thing?

For as long as I've know Mike, he's been a vegetarian.

But lately he's been saying things like "I think I want to go hunting."

and "If I killed a goose, would you eat it?"

Search bar with the words: pod person how to know

Search bar with the words: vegetarian midlife crisis what

Search bar with the word: what??!

Goose leaning into image frame saying "whut."

Can’t Write

December 27, 2019March 9, 2020 | Nicole Smeltzer

I have loads of free time at the moment. I wish I could write. But I can't. (Illustration of a tiny woman skipping on text on lined paper.)

I'm just a cookie now. (Illustration of a woman who has turned into a giant chocolate chip cookie.)

Me as a Vampire

December 23, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

me as a vampire

"ooo um actually, do you have any carbonated blood?"

The Mousetrap

December 22, 2019December 22, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

We got a humane mouse trap. And it worked! It caught the mouse. (Illustration of a rattling mouse trap.)

But now the cat thinks the trap is a magic box that makes mice. (Illustration of a magician mouse exiting the trap.)

And he won't stop staring at it. (Illustration of big staring cat eyes.)

Thus ensuring it will never, ever work again. (Gif of a cat paw slowing pawing at the open trap.)

The Note to Self

Image | December 20, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

She taped a long string to her bedroom ceiling. Then she used a paperclip to attach a card for her teacher to the string. And at the bottom of the string she taped a note. And it all hung just above her nose so she would see it when she woke up.

Fish Story

December 19, 2019December 19, 2019 | Nicole Smeltzer

Mike bought a fish from the pet store and they said to bring it in if it dies and they will replace it. Well, it did die, but Mike didn't have time to go to the store, so he stuck it in the freezer in a baggie. (Illustration: Fish in a baggie labeled Do Not Eat)

That was months ago and now there are two more... (Illustration: Three baggies of labeled, dead fish)

Illustration of a cell phone open to a search bar with the words: fish serial killer how to know

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